Infinite Abyss

Sometimes I find myself floating on the edge of hysteria. Most of the time, i find that i want to be sucked in; to succumb to its darkness and give in to its forceful pull. But i don’t because the intruding inertia of self loathing is confusing, drowning, yet, strangely comforting - like a surprise visit from an old friend.

At some point in my life, I hope to be the greatest at something. I am marginally okay at a lot of things I teach myself, but there's always that emptiness, the indescribable feeling of coming up short, never enough. Never good enough. 


I've always felt an ill-consuming indifference in my life though that is not say that I spend a majority of it complaining of such things. Much of my existence has been a good one; an acceptable, tolerable and fair one that I have come to understand. Though I think, curiously, in the back of my mind, this feels like settling. I don't want to nor do I ever want to feel like "settling".


I'm terrified that I will never be able to get passed these feelings of monumental doom, these inner demons I'm losing to. The feeling of darkness consuming my every thought. Never good enough. Never.